Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
