the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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