I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
