Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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