How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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