I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
