there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
