you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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