don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
