I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
