it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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