how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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