i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
