My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
