Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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