i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Will you blow on my dice?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
