i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
