i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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