Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
