True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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