Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
