Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
