I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
