I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
