he told me I talked like a deaf person
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
