Your mouth is God's brothel.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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