I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
