I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
