trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
