Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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