I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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