he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
