You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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