She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
