I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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