I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
