i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
