I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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