I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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