You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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