woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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