shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
