im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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