so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize