Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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