All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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