I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
