Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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