I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
