I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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