A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
