I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
