so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
