dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
