You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
