I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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