New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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