Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
