my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
