Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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