Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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